We've done a lot of talking about it. Now it's actually happening. Well, in about 90 days. I've had many, many very grown up conversations over the last few weeks concerning the purchase of a home. Still a bit surprised that it was possible, and really that it wasn't as difficult as I had feared it would be.

It'll be weird. But I think it'll be great.

My mind has been all over the place lately. A week-long headache finally broke after chewing some gum (?!) this afternoon. It felt as though a small animal had been trying to burrow it's way through my forehead. A small post-work pipe finished the job.

I'm finally relaxing and looking forward to the next 10 days or so off of work. See friends, play guitar, hang with Barrett, or nothing, if I so desire.

I love how music transports me. Hallelujah!!! Looking forward to the Spiritualized show in a couple of weeks.

Over the years, I came to love this city. Especially when I got to the point that I really didn't care whether anyone noticed the music I was making and just relaxed into making it for nothing more than enjoyment of the process. This was where I started to love how much variety and texture there was all around me. Food, culture, art, kids, dogs, bikes, parks, sex and sexuality, action, solitude, computer and electronics surplus stores, architecture, shoes, fucking awesome coffee, hair, varieties of amazing BEER, fast cars and slow walks. Toronto has so much of everything. And music? Shit. It's everywhere, everyone is making it and a lot of it is GREAT. Only in the last 4 or 5 years have I really begun to feel like I am a part of it. Like we're all in it together, and there is a lot of encouragement, inspiration and mutual admiration. My feelings of isolation were entirely created by me.

Unfortunately, Toronto also has many, many hassles and outright bullshit scenarios. Big city crap, like if you wanna live in the heart of the core you have to accept that the people who come into your neighborhood daily to work and/or party have no respect for you or your home at all. And the traffic/parking. And the fucking garbage trucks who kill people. And the douchbag, loafer-wearing, stylie-dudes (not the hipsters, the assholes with real jobs and expensive watches who smoke too many cigarettes and talk too loud on their phones in the middle of the goddamn sidewalk). All of this was tolerable to me until Barrett started to turn into a little kid. Now it just seems a bit sad and makes me annoyed with myself for not leaving earlier. With the second baby on his way, I can't get out of here soon enough. I love my neighbours, but the tourists and the staff make me wanna get really mad and shake my fists and say mean things, and I don't like feeling like this so it's time to go. 

We looked at some houses in Peterborough today. It's pretty shocking to me that I can actually afford to own a home someplace. As a city, I'm not impressed with Peterborough on any level, but I realize it'll take time to really figure out if I can be there long term. It makes sense for a number of reasons. Mostly that we know some good people there and it's not too far from our families or the city that we currently call home. It is a very nice little... town? I guess it's a city... I dunno, it just looks so fucking rinky-dink to me, but I'm comparing it to here and I know there is no comparison. Apples and oranges, barns and skyscrapers.

* Does it seem like the downtrodden are much more integrated into small town society? Does it sound elitist of me to say that? 

Yep, it does. See what Toronto has done to me?

* NOTE - 4/18/12: This is a horrible thing to say, and I regret typing it. I won't erase it because I want these entries to remain unedited.

What I was trying to communicate is that in a smaller city, there are often pockets of residents who, if they were living in Toronto, I would identify as homeless. I'm not comfortable that I've been in this environment long enough that my perception of the world includes this assumption. 

More than anything else, this is perhaps the best reason to leave. So that I can try to see strangers as people again, and not classify them into categories to be kept at arm's length so that I don't have to deal with them.

I'm trying to learn as much about myself as I can lately. Being honest about the root of my opinions is turning out to be a bit scary, but is necessary. 

i can't describe what i cannot see

the tether that's tied between you and me

my works in vain 'cause beauty be

the weather that blows between you and me

what if i roll this thing

would i find that it's hard to dance and sing

or find that it's one long ball of string

when you decide to hurry me

whatever i say to you i don't really mean

i can't decide what the rest should be

whatever i mean to you is not up to me

This is at odds with what some might consider living a normal life. I am totally comfortable with myself but sometimes wish that the the world was a bit more understanding. Working full-time is extremely difficult for me and having a family presents some challenges, in that I need to disconnect regularly to reconnect with myself. I appreciate that Natalie gets it, and goes to lengths to provide me with this time.

Well, yesterday I woke up at 4 am in a delirious state. Temperature confirmed at 102 F and my entire body aching like it had been trampled on. By the middle of the afternoon I realized that I'd better call Telehealth and on their recommendation I went to emergency at Mt. Sanai. They took blood, ran an electrocardiograph then kept me waiting (understandably - I wasn't dying) for almost 5 hours. They said I should quarantine myself for 5 days! Got the Tamilflu pills and back home.

I feel quite a lot better today. Temperature continues to fluctuate but not much above normal. I've been watching season two of The Walking Dead which has me a bit strung out emotionally. Ever since I became a parent its harder to watch shows that depict very bad things happening to young kids. I'm taking a break.

The hardest part of being at home is not being able to touch Barrett, and having to wear a mask. He seems to understand though. He knows that germs can be harmful and seems to not want to be sick. He's smart.

It's been a dynamic and unpredictable year or so. Long in some ways and very short in others. Family and day-job life consumes most of my time and energy these days. The family part of it is lovely - I've discovered new emotions that I didn't know I had. So much light and joy.

The day-job side, not so much light. I'm doing what I need to do, for now.

We are going to leave Toronto this summer for sure. There's a new baby coming, and I feel that to stay where we are presently would be unfair to us all. This is a beautiful place despite it's inconveniences, but more and more every day I feel like it's not OUR place any longer. We need to grow.

I want to write a bit more often, both here on this website and recorded songs. Also, I want to change some old and ultimately bad habits. It's far better to be untethered and at the helm of your own ship, I think.

We'll see. Till then.

(*this art is by our downstairs neighbor, Jason - http://www.skam.net/.)